Okay I have been gone well over a week, which goes totally against my commitment to blog more. I have a reason for why I have been gone and pretty much am able to get down to the nitty gritty of it. A few months ago our family found out we were embarking on a new challenge, one that still is very hard for me to embrace. The challenge and blessing is that we are 13 weeks pregnant.
If you don't know the whole story you can get a little bit of information here and here, but the quickest story is, we lost our daughter Ashlyn Rose 9 months ago at birth. The doctors have no definite answer to why and what happened but we are treating it as a blood clot due to finding out I have two genetic mutations.
Wwalked onith all that happened in December our family was able to remain strong and got up from the ashes and . Brian and I both healed in different ways but we knew for Avery and for our future that we needed to have strength to get through the days. I remember when we left the hospital we both wanted to try as soon as possible to have another child, we went 9 months longing for our daughter and in one day went home without her. It was heartbreaking and the hardest day of my life. I can still close my eyes today and remember everything that happened in vivid detail. As each time frame of when I wanted to get pregnant passed I realized that I just wasn't ready. Physically I was down from about 155 pounds to 120, we were eating healthier than we ever had before and we were enjoying the extra time we got to spend with Avery on a one on one basis. The problem was that I just wasnt emotionally able to want to go through it again and I wanted to be in the best shape possible before having another pregnancy within a year of Ashlyns.
In July I learned, that my being ready has nothing to do with getting pregnant because a test told me other wise. This is where the challenges began, the nitty gritty of the whole story. At first I was upset, I wasn't ready. I can't really say that I would ever be ready but 13 weeks in, I am a wreak. Memories of my last pregnancy ring through my head daily. Images I never saw of her death are things I think about all day long. The imagines we as parents should never have to think about. It is very hard on top of just your normal everyday pregnancy hormones.
On top of the above pre baby blues I am flooded with daily, I am also sick all the time. Not morning sickness, but allergies and ear infections have been plaguing my daily living. If it wasnt for Avery I would be in bed 24/7 with the occasonally walk to keep any blood from clotting. I have been on bedrest for a few days and now am on pelvic rest. So far has been an uphill battle, that I wake up and try to bare through each day.
The Blessing of it, we are pregnant. We are trying to get excited at the thought of having a little one here with us. Its hard to get excited but its lovely knowing Ashlyn is in heaven above without all the pain the world has to bring. That is a blessing. We have wonderful doctors watching over me all the time and great family to help out. We are praying that we are all healthy and in March are able to bring home our sweet child. I am sure that will be a bittersweet day in this house and we pray that we can get through it.
I am going to try to blog openly and honestly about what is going on and hopefully will be able to keep up with the bloggers at the same time! My cooking has been at a stand still but I have plenty of other ideas to blog about, I just can guarantee the days I feel like sitting in front of a computer but I will sure try.
(The pictures are from the Angel of Hope Memorial Brickway in St Charles Missouri, for all childern who have died from Early Pregnancy Deaths, Stillbirths and Neonatal Deaths. My family purchased this beautiful brick for us!)