I cant seem to understand or process the way I have been feeling the past few days. I have no idea what the families feel, the community of CT feels and anyone who witnessed the pure violence that happened on Friday. I cant imagine being a teacher and thinking the world they work in everyday has a new added layer of hate to think about, I cant imagine the parents who will not be putting children on the bus on Monday but I can imagine being a parent and the loss of a child.
In no way can I compare my experience with the parents experiences, my daughter died the day she was born and it was something I can see as peaceful but still heartbreaking. I don't have to wonder too much what happened the minutes before or ask for answers of why someone would ever do this, but I do realize how it feels to come to a house full of signs and reminders of a life that will never be the same again.
What we can all realize together is that life is something we have very little control over and somethings we worry about so much on a daily basis aren't worth the pain and agony we let ourselves think they are. Our focus needs to be on making each other know we are loved, we need to allow others to feel okay with getting the help they need when we see that something is wrong. We need take off all the stigmas we have created for those with mental illness.
I have committed my years of college learning to be someone who can help those with mental illness, I live around people with it and at times I live with it. It is not something we should hide or be afraid of people finding out about, it should be like any major aliment and we should seek help as soon as we or our loved ones can see of feel something is different in us. We need to remove the veil of secrecy we have for it and realize it is killing people every single day in so many different ways. Mental illness is not a made up diseases, it is not something that we can pray away or just tell ourselves to stop feeling. It is real and has real consequences if we ignore it.
I cant get this feeling I have out of the pit of my stomach of true heartbreak and all I want to do is try to analyze the why and what but I can't. I can weep, and hope that real change will occur in so many areas but I also hate it took something so horrible for this change to happen.
So as I clean up my house today, picking up the little reminders of the family I have at home, I will stop and remember that the perfect Christmas presents, the clean bedrooms and insecurities that come from keeping up with the Jones are not important. I want everyday to enjoy the life around me, for what I have and let my family know that every minute I cant, I live for them because all to often those minutes are not as long as we ever plan.
Writing this helped a bit with the pit that I cant seem to shake but I know that my focus over the next week will not be anything worth writing on here and just seem fake, so I wont be taking just Monday off for silence, I will be taking a rest from the blog for a while, to really decide what is worth it anymore.
I hope everyone has a Happy Holiday and New Year, my thoughts are with you all as the season and I hope that our 2013 will be more change, less hate.